Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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