I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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