My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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