I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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