Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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