I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize