I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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