I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
