I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
