i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
