I met the friendliest cop last night
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
