Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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