I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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