My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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