how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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