Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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