Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
