my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
