I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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