I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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