Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
