when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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