I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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