if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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