i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Who died my cat blue again?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
