She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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