He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
