Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
