and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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