finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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