Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
