i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you bring me the toilet please
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
