Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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