I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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