it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We need to get me chipped asap
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
