Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
