my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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