i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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