fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
