Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
