Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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