just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
