note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
