it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
false alarm, still single
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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