I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss