you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
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if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I believe in your delicious
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.