I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Holy sore nipples Batman
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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