Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
