Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
