I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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