I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
