i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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