You're a womanizer and a bitch.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
