Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
