i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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