she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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