it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
