I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
